Thor was the only son of the local fool, Stephen. The poor boy’s dad was always in and out of jail for some shenanigans or another, be it petty theft, larceny or dealing drugs. This was fine with Thor he didn’t mind being alone. In fact he loved it.
Then one day Stephen found religion and that all changed. He became a model citizen and came down hard on Thor for refusing to do his homework and for staying out late. Soon Thor had a curfew and he was miserable.
Even so, it got worse. Stephen made them go to church. By that time Thor was resigned to his fate and stopped struggling outwardly. Inside he was still scheming.
Then one Sunday at church Thor caught sight of the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen. Her name was Daisy and she and her family had just moved into town the week before. Sadly she wasn’t in that week’s Sunday school, but Thor kept a keen eye out for his angel.
He need not have worried about keeping an eye out for her because she was in his homeroom class the next day at high school. They instantly hit it off. She loved his wily ways and crooked smile, he loved her curly blond hair and light sprinkling of freckles.
They spent their after school time together and Thor would sneak off into the night to meet her in the old cemetery. Eventually though Thor’s Father got wise to his son’s midnight excursions and nailed his window shut, then locked the boy’s door from the outside, then started homeschooling him. Poor Stephen had associated all of his problems with women even though they were really his own poor judgements.
Eventually Thor and Daisy conspired to run away. Daisy told Thor that her mother was secretly a witch and that she knew the perfect spell to carry them away so they could be free to love each other.
After drugging his father’s dinner Thor was able go see Daisy for the last time, hopefully forever.
They met in the cemetery with dancing flashlights. She handed him a small pill, it shone white in the light. She had one of the same and told him it would change them so they could fly far far away. She pulled out a small bottle of water and they both swallowed their pills.
Quickly they became sleepy and barely five minutes later they laid down together against the giant gnarled oak. As they slept their bodies changed, their limbs shortened and split and hardened. Their heads smoothed over, antennae erupted from their foreheads, their jaws turned into sharp mandibles, and they shrunk under their clothes.
When the sun came out nothing was left of their old life but a pile of damp clothes. There from which emerged a pair of particularly large beetles. They shuttered and sang, they rubbed their shells together in joy. They flew off into the sunrise full of love.
Missing words, grammar, spelling, etc:
ReplyDeletefollowing sentence needs a conjunction: (and, semi-colon, or dash)
"This was fine with Thor as he didn’t mind being alone." or "This was fine with Thor; he didn’t mind being alone."
Use semi-colons and dashes to link two sentences: They instantly hit it off -- She loved his wily ways and crooked smile; he loved her curly blond hair and light sprinkling of freckles.
"Quickly they became sleepy and barely five minutes later they laid down together against the giant gnarled oak." change to
"Quickly they became sleepy and barely five minutes later they laid down together against a giant gnarled oak."
"When the sun came out nothing was left of their old life but a pile of damp clothes. There from which emerged a pair of particularly large beetles. They shuttered and sang, they rubbed their shells together in joy. They flew off into the sunrise full of love." change to:
When the sun came out nothing was left of their old life but a pile of damp clothes, from which emerged a pair of particularly large beetles. They shuddered and sang, they rubbed their antenae and their shells together in joy. Then they flew off into the sunrise, full of love.
>> consider adding some detail to the beetles > shiny green beetles perhaps? (just makes it more interesting).
Plot/continuity/character details
“Even so, it got worse. Stephen made them go to church. By that time Thor was resigned to his fate and stopped struggling outwardly. Inside he was still scheming.”
>> consider adding a sentence that would give a hint to the kind of schemes he was working on.
“Poor Stephen had associated all of his problems with women even though they were really his own poor judgements”.
>> interesting clue as to Stephen’s pathology … consider resonating this with details in the first paragraph > like maybe Stephen’s shenanigans could involve tripping little girls, stealing old ladies’ purses, pissing on women’s underwear when it is hanging on clothes lines, drying. And with some clue as to what might have been some of the poor judgements: where is Thor’s mother? What happened to her – did she run away too?? Maybe Stephen beat her up, and she ran away?
“Sadly she wasn’t in that week’s Sunday school, but Thor kept a keen eye out for his angel.
He need not have worried about keeping an eye out for her because she was in his homeroom class the next day at high school.”
>> Repetitive (keeping an eye out) … consider:
“Sadly she wasn’t in that week’s Sunday school, but Thor decided he would keep a keen eye out for his angel.
He didn’t need to wait long because she was in his homeroom class the next day at high school.”
“After drugging his father’s dinner Thor was able go see Daisy for the last time, hopefully forever.” – Consider adding the detail about what the drug did to Stephen (did it kill him or merely kock him out?).
>> After drugging his father’s dinner, so that Stephen fell into a deep sleep after eating it, Thor was able to leave the house, and go see Daisy for the last time, hopefully forever.”